Episode 601: Will Smith transcript
Prologue: The guest star's dressing room/opening theme song intro Scooter: On Door "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 16 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's last name)." Guest Star: "Thanks, Scooter, I'll be ready in a jiffy." Scooter: "Hey, what's that badminton table doing in here?" Guest Star: "Well, the reason that I have it in here is because Animal and Dr. Strangepork are playing badminton." Dr. Strangepork and Animal hit the birdie with the tennis racket, but Animal does it a bit too hard. Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, watch the birdie, Animal." Animal: "Sorry." Guest Star: "I think this'll be great for a sports party theme." The camera zooms in on Kermit, who appears through The Muppet Show logo....... Kermit: "It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Will Smith, yaaaaaaaay!" [The Muppet Show Theme Music Playing In Background] Plays Notes On Piano Female Muppet characters: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet characters: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here? Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler: to have to watch the show Continues Playing In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started? Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The Muppet Show...... Of Blow Dryer Scene 1: On the stage set Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, tonights very special guest star is the young talented actor and hip hop singer, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and we're super excited to have a sports party theme, but 1st, here's the Electric Mayhem performing Werewolves of London." Opening Musical #: Werewolves of London Teeth Playing Music On Electronic Keyboard Floyd: I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand walkin' through the streets of SoHo in the rain he was lookin' for the place called Lee Ho Fooks for to get a big dish of beef chow mein ah-hooo, werewolves of London ah-hooo ah-hooo, werewolves of London ah-hooo you hear him howlin' around your kitchen door you better not let him in little old lady got mutilated late last night werewolves of London again ah-hooo, werewolves of London ah-hooo ah-hooo, werewolves of London ah-hooo hunh he's the hairy-handed gent who ran amok in Kent lately he's been overheard in Mayfair you better stay away from him he'll rip your lungs out, Jim hunh, I'd like to meet his tailor ah-hooo, werewolves of London ah-hooo ah-hooo, werewolves of London ah-hooo well, I saw Lon Chaney walkin' with the queen doin' the werewolves of London I saw Lon Chaney Jr. walkin' with the Queen doin' the werewolves of London I saw a werewolf drinkin' a piña colada at Trader Vic's his hair was perfect ah-hooo werewolves of London heh, draw blood ah-hooo werewolves of London Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony....... Waldorf: "Hey, Statler, did you ever see a werewolf before?" Statler: "No, but I've seen something much more terrifying." Waldorf: "And what's that?" Statler: "A real big foot monster!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit and the others backstage........ Kermit: "Alright, thank you, Electric Mayhem band, that was terrific." Dr. Teeth: "You can always say that again." Kermit: "Alright, let's see, who's next onstage? Pig in Space, Pigs in Space is next, everybody!" ''Pigs in Space'' Sketch #: The Sacrifice of Rusty McBolts Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaaaace!" Announcer: "Starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Miss Piggy and the esoteric Dr. Strangepork." Announcer: When we last joined the Swinetrek crew, they had just fled brobdignagia, planet of giants-- but at a terrible price! for only by sacrificing Dr. Strangepork's beloved robot pal, Rusty McBolts." Dr. Strangepork: Silently Captain Link Hogthrob: "He's been like this ever since Rusty McBolts got crunched, I had no idea he'd become so fond of that thing." 1st Mate Miss Piggy: "No kidding, I always thought of it as a can opener with an attitude." Dr. Strangepork: Up "Poor, poor Rusty, you were expensive to maintain, you seldom followed instructions and you were a constant reminder of my own morality, in other words, you were like a son to me!" Captain Link Hogthrob: "We should snap him out of it--we need him to do all that clever math stuff that stops us from hitting the big moony things." 1st Mate Miss Piggy: "They're called moons." Captain Link Hoghtrob: "Yes, those, got any ideas?" 1st Mate Miss Piggy: "Weellll........." 1st Mate Miss Piggy: "Okay, we agree that he needs some sort of crisis scenario to snap him outta his mope, right?" Captain Link Hoghtrob: "I always find blind panic takes me out of myself, personally." 1st Mate Miss Piggy: "Right, so let's do it!" 1st Mate Miss Piggy rushes frantically over to Dr. Strangepork. ist Mate Miss Piggy: "Dr. Strangepork, terrible news, Captain Hogthrob hit the emergency jettison button by mistake and dumped our # 3 engine into the sunlight!" Dr. Strangepork: "Whaaa-a-at?!? disaster strike!" Captain Link Hogthrob: "Sorry about that, I thought I was switching on the hot tub." Dr. Strangepork: "Link, you ninny, there's no time to lose, fire the remaining engines on maximum thrust--we may still have enough juice to get to Stardocks Alpha for repairs!" Dr. Strangepork: "It's no good--the readings show that we can't escape the sunlight's gravity with the remaining engines, we're doomed for the rest of our entire lives!" Captain Link Hogthrob: "I guess Rusty's the last thing on your mind, right?" Dr. Strangepork: "Still--at least I'll go to my eternal reward feeling fully alive, thanks a lot, you guys, it's...it's been so realistic." 1st Mate Miss Piggy: "It's alright, I'll tell him." 1st Mate Miss Piggy: "Ha, fooled you, we set this up to snap you out of your funk, Link only pretended to jettison the engine, didn't you, Link?" 1st Mate Miss Piggy: "Link?" Captain Link Hogthrob: "Whoopsy daisy." Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork save the Swinetrek? will the solution involve jettisoning Captain Link Hogthrob? does 1st Mate Miss Piggy know the answer to 17 down, 'Rhymes with cupid'? all of this and more will be answered on last Friday's episode of ''Pigs in Spaaace!" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Waldorf: "You know, I've always had a little robot friend that I would use as a servant in my house." Statler: "Whatever happened to him?" Waldorf: "I don't know, I think I might've ''retired him." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Kermit: "Alright, you guys, that was great, now I wonder who's next to be onstage." Swedish Chef: "Kermeet, yuoo cun elveys cuoont oon me-a tu du zee next sketch." Kermit: "Congratulations, you're next to do the next sketch onstage." Swedish Chef: "Okey dukey." Swedish Chef Sketch #: Sports grill corn dogs Swedish Chef: Teke-a me-a oooot tu zee bell geme a teke-a me-a oooot tu zee crood booy me-a sume-a peunoots und crecker jecks '' ''I dun't cere-a iff I'll ifer get beck '' ''su let's ruut '' ''ruut, ruut fur zee hume-a teem '' ''iff zeey dun't veen '' ''it's a sheme-a '' ''fur it's oone a tvu '' ''three-a streekes '' ''yuoo're-a oooot '' ''et zee oold bell geme-a '' Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng spurts greell curn dugs." Swedish Chef: "Furst ve-a need ieeght hut dug leenks." The Swedish Chef gets out 8 hot dog links and sets them right on the platter. Swedish Chef : "Next ve-a poot in tvu thurd coops ooff ell poorpuse-a fluoor in zee meexing bool." The Swedish Chef puts 2/3 cups of all purpose flour in the mixing bowl. Swedish Chef : "Zeen ve-a poot in ieeght coops ooff fegeteble-a ooeel." The Swedish Chef puts in 8 cups of vegetable oil. Swedish Chef : One-a und a helff coops ooff curn sterch The Swedish Chef puts in 1 1/2 cups of corn starch. Swedish Chef "Next, oone-a und a helff teespuuns ooff bekeeng pooder." The Swedish Chef puts in 1 1/2 teaspoons of baking powder. Swedish Chef: "One-a teespuun ooff sooger." The Swedish Chef puts in 1 teaspoon of sugar. Swedish Chef: "One-a helff teespuun ooff bekeeng suda." The Swedish Chef puts in 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda. Swedish Chef: "One-a ieeght teespuun ooff ceyenne-a." The Swedish Chef puts in 1/8 teaspoon of cayenne. Swedish Chef : "Next, ve-a poot tvu lerge-a iggs in zee meexing bool." The Swedish Chef puts in 2 large eggs in the mixing bowl. Swedish Chef : "Und lest boot nut leest, oone-a und a fuoort coops ooff boottermeelk." The Swedish Chef puts in 1 1/4 cups on buttermilk....... Swedish Chef : "Und reeght noo, ve-a meex up zee ingredeeents." The Swedish Chef mixes up all of the ingredients 'til it becomes a corn dog batter. Swedish Chef : "Noo ve-a deep ell ieeght hut dug leenks reeght intu zee curn dug better." The Swedish Chef puts 8 of the hot dog links right into the corn dog batter. Swedish Chef: "Und noo, feenelly, ve-a poot zeem in zee bekeeng oofee." The Swedish Chef puts the sports grill corn dogs in the baking oven for about a couple of minutes. Timer Dings Swedish Chef: "Zee teeme-a is up, noo let's teke-a zeem ooootta zee bekeeng oofee." The Swedish Chef takes the sports grill corn dogs outta the baking oven, and carefully places them in the aluminum container. Suddenly, they come to life and begin playing hide and seek on his counter. Swedish Chef: "Hey, vhet's gueeng oon eruoond here-a? vhere-a'd zeey ell gu? cume-a oooot frum vherefer yuoo ere-a!" Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again, still. Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I sometimes wish I could make stuff like that." Statler: "You mean like sports grill corn dogs?" Waldorf: "Well, yeah, but I also made sports grill mushroom Swiss burgers myself." Statler: "Then that makes you a real lucky man." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably In unison Again, Still Cut back to Kermit and Scooter backstage........ Kermit: "That was wonderful, thanks." Scooter: "Hey, Kermit, you better check your list, Veterinarian's Hospital might be next onstage." Kermit: "Oh, let's see, uh, (he checks his list.) Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody, Piggy, Janice, Fozzie, Rowlf, you guys are next onstage!" Veterinarian's Hospital Sketch #: Fozzie as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "So then I said 'Stop complaining, you've got ''8 more of them, haven't you?' it was a riot." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you're terrible horrible." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "And for once, she's not speaking about your medical skills." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Now then--is there anything you'd like me to cut off?" Fozzie/Patient: "What...? no, no, Dr., I have terrible pains in my knee caps." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Hmm....they sound alright to me, that's an F sharp, isn't it?" Fozzie/Patient: "H-How can you possibly tell?" Janice/Nurse Janice: "Dr. Bob has perfect pitch, so if your room ever needs re-sealing, you know who to call." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Tell you what--I'll give you some cream to rub on twice daily." Fozzie/Patient: "On my knee caps?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "No, you can stand up if you wanna." Announcer: "Will Nurse Piggy tell Dr. Bob that he's just given his patient a pot of industrial strength glue? will Nurse Janice yet learn to play the spoons? does Dr. Bob still have the cereal box in which he found his medical degree? tune in next time when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, have you got any advice for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Yes, of course, a little chickory can make coffee taste much smoother." Fade to the next sketch # At the Dance Sketch #: Some Enchanted Evening Kermit is dancing with Miss Piggy, Gonzo is dancing with Camilla, Walter is dancing with a light blue female whatnot, Scooter is dancing with a lavender female whatnot and George is dancing with Mildred. Music Playing In Background Scooter: Some enchanted evening you may see a stranger you may see a stranger across a crowded room and somehow you know you know even then that somewhere you'll see her again and again Gonzo: Some enchanted evening someone may be laughin', you may hear her laughin' across a crowded room and night after night, as strange as it seems the sound of her laughter will sing in your dreams Kermit: who can explain it? who can tell you why? Miss Piggy: fools give you reasons, wise men never try Walter: some enchanted evening when you find your true love when you feel her call you across a crowded room, then fly to her side, and make her your own for all through your life you may dream all alone George: once you have found her Never let her go Mildred: once you have found her Never let her go End of sketch......... Muppet Labs Sketch: Incredible Glowing Potion [Muppet Labs ''Theme Music Playing In Background] Bunsen: "Hello and welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today, my faithful assistant, Beaker and I are demonstrating our latest invention." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mee mo, mo, mee, mee." Bunsen: "Today, we're demonstrating the incredible glowing potion, if you're in a dark place and you wanna see right away, try using incredible glowing potion, which Beaker will now demonstrate (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, take 1 little sip of it." Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee." Bunsen: "Just as you can see, it also helps during a blackout at your church, house or school." Beaker suddenly begins glowing bright green. Beaker: "Mee, mo, mo, mee, mo, mo, mee, mee!" Bunsen: "Oh my goodness gracious, Beaker, you're glowing quite green!" Beaker: "Mee, mo, mo, mee!" Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time, tune in next time for another episode of ''Muppet Labs." Scene 2: Back onstage Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's finally guest star time, and here he is to sing Disco Inferno with everybody else, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!" Closing Musical #: Disco Inferno Rizzo: Burn baby burn, right On! burn baby burn right On! burn baby burn, right on! burn baby burn, right On! burnin', right On! Guest Star: To my surprise, yes, '' ''100 stories high '' ''people gettin' loose y'all '' ''gettin' down on the roof '' ''do you hear?(the folks are flaming) '' ''folks were screamin' out of control '' ''it was so entertainin' '' ''when the boogie started to explode I heard somebody say Janice: burn baby burn Guest Star: disco inferno Floyd: burn baby burn Guest Star: burn that mother down Scooter: burn baby burn Guest Star: disco inferno Swedish Chef: Boorn Beby Boorn Guest Star: burn that mother down Animal: burnin' Dr. Teeth: satisfaction (uhu hu hu) came in the chain reaction (burnin') I couldn't get enough, (till I had to self-destroy) so I had to Self destruct (uhu hu hu) Fozzie: the heat was on (burnin') rising to the top, huh everybody's goin' strong (uhu hu hu') and that is when my spark got hot I heard somebody say'' Gonzo: ''burn baby burn'' Walter: ''disco inferno'' Lew Zealand: ''burn baby burn'' Robin: ''burn that mother down, yoh'' Beauregard: ''burn baby burn'' Crazy Harry: ''disco inferno'' Mildred Huxtetter: ''burn baby burn'' Guest Star: ''burn that mother down'' Annie Sue: ''burnin''' All Muppet friends and Guest Star: ''up above my head I hear music in the air'' Rowlf: ''I hear music'' Johnny: ''that makes me know there's a party somewhere'' Sal: ''satisfaction came in a chain reaction'' Pepe: ''do you hear?'' Clifford: ''I couldn't get enough, so I had to self destruct'' Guest Star: ''the heat was on, rising to the top everybody's goin' strong that is when my spark got hot I heard somebody say'' Rizzo: ''burn baby burn'' Dr. Teeth: ''disco inferno'' (aah yeah!) Rizzo: ''burn baby burn '' Zoot: ''burn that mother down'' Scooter: ''burn baby burn'' Guest Star: ''Disco inferno'', yeah Janice: ''burn baby burn '' Floyd: ''burn that mother down'' Zoot: ''burnin''' All Muppet Friends and Guest Star: ''I just can't stop when'' (till) ''my spark gets hot just can't stop When my spark gets hot'' ''burnin', burnin', burnin', burnin''''... Scene 3: The final wrap up Kermit: "Alright, everybody, it's been a terrific night, but before we all go, let's give a nice warm applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!" The Guest Star steps right onstage with them. Guest Star: "Thanks, Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo, Walter and everybody else, it's been such a wonderful time working with all of you on ''The Muppet Show this evening." Robin: "We all know, it was good that we all prepared this sports party theme for you here." Guest Star: "Why thanks, Robin, I really appreciate it." Rowlf: "Hey look, there's a football game on the sports channel!" Kermit: "Oh my gosh, I don't believe this, uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show." End Production Credits Voice Performers Steve Whitmire Eric Jacobson Dave Goelz Matt Vogel Bill Barretta David Rudman Louise Gold Peter Linz Alice Dinean Vernon Statler: "Hey, Waldorf, what did the hockey stick say to the hockey puck?" Waldorf: "I have no clue, what did it say to the hockey puck?" Statler: "I'm gonna puck you out over the fence line!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Dedicated to the loving memories and magic of Jim Henson (1936-1990), Richard Hunt (1951-1992), Erin Ozker (1948-1993), Jerry Juhl (1938-2005), Joe Raposo (1937-1989), the great Jerry Nelson (1934-2012), Jane Henson (1934-2013), Faz Fazakas (1918-2013) and John Henson (1965-2014)......we'll never forget about all of them. Category:The Muppet Show season 6 transcripts